Findle is the publications manager for the Gay & Lesbian
Alliance Against Defamation, a nonprofit organization working for
fair, accurate and inclusive representations of the gay and lesbian
community.
By Bob Findle
When Eminem, the hip-hop rapper of the hour, struts onto the
stage at The Pond in Anaheim, Nov. 21, “faggot” will
surely be one of his epitaphs of choice set to a bouncy, trippy
beat, along with a bit of woman-bashing. No doubt many Bruins will
be making the trip down the 405 to catch the show.
Much has been made lately about the increasingly
anti-gay/anti-women lyrics and public statements of Eminem and
other rappers, especially over how their words usually spit out
with as much disgust as possible while the rapper grabs his
baggy-pants and crotch (what’s that all about?). Rapping
violence seems to have become the surefire way to slam dunk a
couple million in sales and become a media darling.
These artists are deservedly labeled homophobic (I will get to
the misogyny in a bit), their fear and hatred of gay men the reason
for their verbal attacks urging physical ones. But, is that the
whole story? Simply homophobia? A good word choice, but I believe
these men suffer not so much from homophobia, but from a condition
I coin “homophilia.”
Let me stroke my many-haired beard as I explain this
yet-to-be-studied phenomena. As hemophilia is a physical health
problem as caused by a lack of blood-clotting factor, homophilia is
mental health problem caused by a lack of male affection.
 Illustration by JENNY YURSHANSKY/Daily Bruin Homophilia
exists because of our culture’s relentless refusal to allow
males to be emotional or feel the full range of humanness. Boys,
from the moment they start standing to pee, are indoctrinated with
such messages as “boys don’t cry,” “boys
are strong,” and “boys don’t “˜like’
other boys.”
Boys who don’t conform get hurt. The conformers, the boys
who take on the constrictive shell of stereotypical maleness, also
take on the duty of being the hurters, using teasing, ostracism and
little fists to punish others. Longing for the male affection they
crave but think they can’t have, these boys grow up to become
offensive rappers. (And fanatical millionaire preachers,
self-righteous politicians and your garden variety gay bashers
luring men out of gay bars.)
These sufferers of homophilia act out with violence and hatred
toward males who do obtain and enjoy male affection, developing an
“if I can’t have it, nobody else can either”
mentality.
For clarification, when I write of male affection, I don’t
mean Joe and Steve Gaycouple who set up their love shack and live
happily ever after listening to George Michael. I mean instead a
non-sexual expression of love and relationship between men who are
not related. True, men can pal around, but actual affection is
frowned upon and avoided. Its expression could cause others to
think of a heterosexual male as being a homosexual male. (Gadzooks!
Call a man anything but that perceived most horrid breach of
maleness.)
Society’s cheating of males’ rights to express and
receive emotions starts so early. I saw this the summers I worked
at a day camp that offered a usual bill of fare that included
games, art and crafts, swimming and so on to elementary school-age
children.
Every day I could see how the boys were being inflicted with
homophilia. The older boys, already struggling with the condition,
made sure them younger ones got the message of correct behavior.
The younger boys, the 5- and 6-year-olds, came to camp and showed
affection to everyone, male and female.
But not for long. The older boys would descend upon them ““
“sissy,” “faggot,” “you’re
queer if you do that.” The younger ones would shape up in
short order and soon enough they too would be enforcing the rules
of “no male affection allowed” on the even newer
arrivals to camp.
On the other hand, there were the boys who would not give up
expressing male affection. They knew a good thing when they saw one
and were not about to give it up. They, of course, were made
outcasts, picked upon, hurt.
Everyone needs affection; the human condition is to crave it.
Unfortunately, American society gives the squinty eye to any male
affection that isn’t surface-level, suspecting all sorts of
serious sodomy scenarios if deeper depths are reached. Male
interactions laced with sportsmanship or violence are acceptable,
but any interactions of affection better be with a female. Just
listen to Eminem ““ he knows the dope.
This female-only rule puts great pressure on a woman. She is
expected to fulfill all the man’s needs. It is a losing
proposition because she can never offer him the male affection he
needs. He feels an emptiness, not realizing the problem is his own
inability (and fear) to obtain and enjoy male affection. He blames
her. He lashes out. Is it any coincidence that in addition to gay
bashing, rappers’ lyrics are also soaked with lurid images of
murder, rape and disrespect of women?
Okay, you’re probably thinking, “Where is the
evidence for my homophilia theory? Who is this Findle guy?”
Well, I have two important points.
First, for the most part, I find women are not as homophobic as
men and are more accepting of both lesbians and gay men. I believe
this is because women as young girls are not stripped of their
intrinsic rights to emotions. They are allowed, if not actively
encouraged, to enjoy the affections of both sexes. Young girls slow
dancing together at a wedding or school hop is acceptable. Young
boys doing the same would bring down the roof.
Secondly, look at the heterosexual males who are comfortable
around gay men. These men are secure in their own identities and
are not afraid to give and receive male affection. They have no
envy of gay men and therefore have no need to try to hurt them. No
big deal.
What to do?
Perhaps MTV, the vox populi of the age, should start a hip
campaign dealing with the prevention and cure of homophilia in the
music world, especially for the rappers who rhyme hatred and call
it artistic expression. Talk about a needed public service. And
think of the product spin-offs.
But, seriously, think of how many gay men might be saved from
being brutalized and killed for doing something as simple and
natural as giving and sharing male affection. Think of how many
women could escape violence?
Yo, Eminem, word-up homey. Maybe all you need is a hug to calm
down all that anger.