Jeff and the Fresh Prints  Jeff
Kmiotek E-mail comments and propositions to [email protected]. Click
Here for more articles by Jeff Kmiotek
A field goal. A field goal by David Bell, a guy who hadn’t
made one all year. A guy who missed a 23-yard chip shot earlier in
the game. USC winning a football game on a field goal is like Al
Gore winning Florida on a field goal. It just shouldn’t
happen.
But after bashing the lowly Trojans for the past eight weeks, I
congratulate them for beating the Bruins and improving their Pac-10
record to a hefty 2-6.
The Trojans, who controlled the trenches, must have eaten their
Wheaties on Saturday. But at least Wheaties know what to do in a
bowl. And remember Trojans, just because “Little Nicky”
outgrossed “Remember the Titans” last week, does not
make it a better movie.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
I’ve been receiving some funny e-mail messages from
gloating Trojans ever since the game, thanks in part to the Daily
Trojan printing my address in their Friday edition.
An ‘SC alum named Chris said I had made a mistake in my
cocky assertion that UCLA would win by 73 points. But Chris,
didn’t you already make a big mistake when you got your
degree from USC?
Another Trojan named Tabatha told me that maybe they’ll
keep Coach Paul Hackett around another year just to torment me.
Yeah, I’d really be tormented by another losing season across
town. Please, give him a lifetime contract and really torment
me.
But seriously, could Hackett have been saved by the David Bell?
Well, not even Zach Morris could get him out of this mess, even
with that shoe-like cell phone he used to order pizzas in Mr.
Dewey’s class. USC may not be too bright, but even George W.
Bush could figure out that Hackett needs to get the ol’
heave-ho.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
And then there’s the USC male cheerleaders. I felt like I
was either watching “Making the Band” or a gay porno
with them on the field, and not even a good gay porno. And
c’mon, who claps with their hands parallel to each other
these days?
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
At least the students finally got Krispy Kreme doughnuts, thanks
to UCLA’s defense of all people. Those with ticket stubs
received six free doughnuts, one for each score the defense would
eventually give up.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
UCLA’s “D” looked like it had turned a corner
with some solid play at the beginning of the year, but
they’ve ended the regular season as one of the worst
defensive units in the nation. It was another third-and-long day on
Saturday, as UCLA must be able to win with 35 points of offense.
True, Kenyon Coleman hasn’t been on the field and practically
every defender has been injured, but there’s no excuse for
having a poor defense three straight years.
I’m not advocating getting rid of defensive coordinator
Bob Field, but the Bruins obviously need to make some changes next
year. They need a new attitude ““ a fierce, mean and attacking
mentality. And they need Robert Thomas to stay at UCLA, or it may
be another long year.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Freddie Mitchell had another great game on Saturday, catching
for 140 yards including a sick diving catch that kept UCLA in the
game. He also set UCLA’s record with 1,314 yards receiving in
a season. Freddie was named one of three Biletnikoff finalists and
should be the favorite to win it without East Coast bias. Now
Freddie, I know you can catch, so here’s my pitch: stay
another year at UCLA and help the Bruins compete for the title.
You’ll be a Heisman front-runner, the top football athlete in
all of Los Angeles and still a taxi ride away from Hugh Hefner and
the girls.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Speaking of Playmates, after the game I went to an afterparty
hosted by Playboy, where I got a chance to talk to Miss March,
Nicole Marie Lenz. Naturally, I asked her for her analysis of the
game.
“Football’s a guy thing. It’s not a girl
thing. I’m a Playmate ““ gimme a break,” she said.
I guess that’s still more in-depth analysis than Dennis
Miller.
Nicole did say she was a fan of UCLA, because “a lot of my
friends go there, it’s a beautiful campus, and it’s
right down the street from my house.”
So the Trojans may have won, but at least UCLA has a gorgeous
playmate on its side.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Besides the football game, UCLA competed with USC in other
events over the weekend. UCLA won in ice hockey and they won in
men’s water polo. USC did nip the Bruins in the Blood Drive,
although the Trojans simply had to follow the sound of gun shots
and sponge up the blood.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
This week’s USC Joke:
Why is today, Wednesday, not a good day to tell a Trojan a
joke?
Because he’ll laugh during church.
(Explainer to Trojans ““ it means that it will take you
four days to get the joke, and that would be Sunday, a day when
many people go to church. And people should not laugh in
church.)