Adam Karon Those who wish to try out for
the XBL, please feel free to contact Karon at [email protected].
Ladies and gentlemen, the circus is coming to town.
Tired of financial squabbles and the slow pace of Major League
Baseball? Bored with the debacle called the XFL? Well, have no
fear, the XBL is here.
A week ago, my roommate Ari and I came up with the Xtreme
Baseball League, combining aspects of both MLB and the XFL. We are
setting out to prove that two wrongs can make a right.
The XFL is currently sinking faster than a certain ship carrying
Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. The state of MLB is not much
better. It is sad when contract negotiations generate more action
than the game itself. Next month the Dodgers play the Brewers on
opening day in a one-game “series.” I’d rather
sit at home and watch the linoleum curl.
That is why the world needs the XBL. Combine the finest aspects
of the XFL, MLB, WWF, and maybe the NRA and we’ll have the
best league ever, if not the best acronym.
As students, Ari and I know the importance of starting from the
bottom up, and that is why we are beginning with the shoes. All
cleats must be sharpened and be at least two inches long.
Socks and underwear are optional. All belt buckles must be filed
so that any player, not just the pitchers, can alter and doctor a
baseball. Players who insist on wearing their hats at an angle will
be subject to immediate dismissal from the game.
Protective cups are not allowed. In fact, protective gear of any
kind is forbidden, even for catchers. Unfortunately this destroys
the possibility of catcher cams, but we will install ball cams. The
XBL takes no responsibility for motion sickness caused by watching
the ball cams too closely.
The commissioner of the XBL will be Marge Schott. Her Saint
Bernard, Schotzie, could do more for the game than Selig has done
for MLB. It will be Schott’s job to enforce the following
rules:
Foul balls are fair balls. To encourage fan participation,
players must go into the stands to retrieve batted balls. Fans can
play keep-away or they can assist the player, depending on his
attitude and willingness to sign autographs.
Batters can swing more than one bat at a time, and removing the
warm up donut is not mandatory unless David Wells is pitching, in
which case most donuts typically disappear without a trace.
Any player hit by a pitch is required to charge the mound.
Players remaining in the dugout during a bench-clearing incident
(see Pedro Martinez) will be tied to the foul pole for the
remainder of the game.
Catchers must block the plate, regardless of whether or not
there is a play. Sliding is illegal unless it is performed Pete
Rose style. Rose will be the first person inducted into the XBL
Hall of Fame.
The following will be prohibited in the XBL:
Rainouts, Astroturf, designated hitters and cheerleaders.
Players can choose to record an out the conventional ways or by
pegging a runner with the ball. This is not recommended for those
who throw like Chuck Knoblauch.
Americans love high-scoring games, so a player may run around
the bases as many times as possible until he or she is tagged out
or pegged by the ball.
Women will compete in the XBL, and we don’t intend to
restrict them to the sidelines wearing leather pants. They will be
full members, and those who have a problem with this can race
Marion Jones, box Laila Ali, or try blowing a fastball by UCLA
slugger Stacy Nuveman.
Jim Everett will throw out the first pitch at every contest.
Managers will work from an ejection seat. Fans vote online
whether to keep the manager in the seat, or send him catapulting
into the waiting arms of opposing fans. We can take no
responsibility for fans voting in New York.
Stadiums will not be named after software companies, office
supply buildings or banks. Instead they will bear the logos of
sausage companies, meatpacking plants and both male and female
strip joints.
Spikes will be installed along the top of the outfield wall, and
players shall field fly balls at their own risk.
Substitutions must be made tag-team style, and the athletes
leaving the field must pretend to be injured or disoriented. Those
entering must immediately pick an opponent to pound four or five
times with vicious forearms, before sitting on their
opponent’s head and twisting their legs.
Speedo style briefs are to be worn over the traditional baseball
uniforms, and face painting is encouraged.
Individual athletes will not be miked because ballplayers
typically do not speak with complete sentences and announcers would
waste most of their time translating the incoherent ramblings of
men hopped up on chewing tobacco and Red Bull.
Players will be paid on a per-game basis, similar to the XFL.
However, fans leaving the stadium will get to toss their ticket
stubs into a high, medium or low box, signifying their level of
satisfaction drawn from the game. Players will be paid
accordingly.
All teams shall have appropriate names. For example, each member
of the Giants must be 6-foot-6 or taller. New names will be created
to cover a more diverse fan base. The Modesto Cow-tippers will be a
push away from perfection. The Manhattan Moils will be on the
cutting edge of sports. And there isn’t a whole lot we can
say about the New Mexico Nothing.
Now what we need is a little more venture capital to start up
this league, and we’re turning to you, the students.
So, postpone your spring break trip to Puerto Vallarta. Eat at
Buck Fifty for breakfast, lunch and dinner and send us your meal
money. Do you really need to buy every textbook for every class?
Maybe you should send us at least part of your tuition for next
quarter. You don’t need full student status, and besides, you
weren’t really going to use the Wooden Center anyway.
The time is right for the XBL. All it needs is startup capital,
cities willing to sacrifice their integrity in the name of sport,
and fans willing or drunk enough to do the same. Say goodbye to the
boring days of MLB and the inane construction of the XFL. Here
comes the greatest show on earth!