Jeff and the Fresh Prints Jeff
Kmiotek E-mail comments and concerns to [email protected] and let’s shoot
the salad. Click
Here for more articles by Jeff Kmiotek
Baseball is underway, but the most exciting thing so far was
when Randy Johnson beaned a bird on a pitch during spring training,
a fowl ball indeed. The bird flew in front of home plate as Johnson
let his pitch fly and exploded on contact. If you think it’d
hurt to get nailed by a 97-mph fastball, imagine if you only
weighed two and a half pounds. It may have been a dove of peace,
but now it’s just pieces of dove. It may have been a
partridge, but now it’s just parts. Maybe a parakeet, or now,
many, many pairs of keet. The umpire awarded the bird first base
but it needed a finch runner. I guess the bird didn’t hear
Tom Hanks crow, “There’s no dying in baseball.”
Johnson felt bad, saying it was not a pheasant situation but he had
no egrets. The bird could not be reached for comment.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
 DAVE HILL/Daily Bruin Senior Staff Quarterback
Cory Paus launches the ball against Cal at an away
game last season. Former Bruin Troy Aikman ended his storied career
Monday, retiring from the Dallas Cowboys with three championships.
At his press conference, a teary-eyed Aikman, who has suffered nine
concussions in his playing days, looked around the room and said,
“Who are all you people? What is this?”
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Speaking of UCLA starting quarterbacks, my guest today for
“Straight Up Now Tell Me” is Cory Paus. Paus could be
one of the nation’s top QBs next year, and now you, yes you,
can get to the core of Cory.
People say you’re good in the huddle? What goes on in the
huddle?
First of all, I get “˜em razzled up and get “˜em
going. Then I call the formation. Then I say what the play is, and
then I tell “˜em what it’s on. Then I go “ready,
ready!”
Do you ever tell jokes or anything?
Sometimes. Sometimes, yeah.
So this year, are you guys gonna suck, or like, not suck?
Definitely not gonna suck this year. You trying to say we sucked
last year?
It’s not like that.
We’re not gonna suck.
Okay. I need some advice. Let’s just say that I have a
crush on this girl. What should I do?
Be yourself, be nice and treat her very well. That’s all
you gotta do. You seem like a good guy.
So why is it called quarterback?
I think because if you look at the backfield as a whole, the
quarterback stands a quarter of the way back.
What’s up with the XFL?
I watched it a couple times. It’s a good thing to have to
increase opportunities for football players, and if people are fans
of football it creates more opportunities to see more games, and
get closer to the action.
How is Chicago different from Los Angeles?
The weather’s different. The people ““ I’m from
a smaller town and we don’t have as much diversity. The
terrain is a hell of a lot different. We don’t have so many
different kinds of trees and different kinds of flowers and bushes.
We have like two kinds of trees. You guys down here are very
tropical, closer to the equator. You are allowed to have more
wildlife. We don’t.
Do you watch Survivor? What do you think?
I’ve seen it a couple times. I think if I was on that show
I’d be the last one there.
Really, why?
Because I’m a survivor and I have all those attributes.
There’s no way I’d get kicked off that island.
That’s what I think of Survivor.
Any advice for Kobe and Shaq?
Listen to Phil Jackson. He’s from Chicago and won six
championships there.
He knows what he’s doing.
I want to start a new slang word. Do you have any ideas that we
can get going?
Salad Shooting. It’s when you’re sitting around with
your buddies just BS-ing about stuff. But real stuff, not just BS.
Like when you’re analyzing things, it’s called salad
shooting.
Now, can you be shooting the salad?
Salad shooting. You ever been sitting around real late at night
talking about random stuff?
Yes.
That’s salad shooting. I’m gonna start a talk show
and call it “Shooting Salad.” It’s just random
talking.
Who plays you in “Cory Paus: The Cory Paus
Movie”?
Me.
You? I mean, like an actor.
Yes, I do.
Okay. Coach Toledo?
Danny DeVito.
Kenyon Coleman?
Shaquille O’Neal.
OK, let’s do some favorites ““ cartoon, cereal, movie
and ’80s show?
“The Simpsons,” Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries,
“American Beauty” and “Teenwolf.” Got any
more questions?
No, not really.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
I won’t mention the current Lavin “recruiting
controversy,” but I will mention the anonymous e-mail I
received last week. Apparently and reportedly, sources say that USC
Coach Henry Bibby illegally visited top recruits in their homes and
bowling alleys. The source also said Bibby is really a woman named
Delores and has seven toes and six nipples. Bibby was not reached
for comment. I got another anonymous e-mail that said, “Click
here for free wet thong pixs.” I don’t know why I keep
falling for those. They weren’t free at all.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Washington Wizards owner Abe Pollin said Monday that his
“gut feeling” was that Michael Jordan would return to
the NBA.
He then added that Wizards season tickets are still available
and he thinks the team will probably sign Shaquille O’Neal
and that girl from the Doritos commercial. So buy your tickets
now!
Kobe Bryant came back to the Lakers last night, but it was after
my deadline. But, did you see that play when he did the thing with
the thing and the thing? That was good.