Vytas Mazeika The last time Mazeika
wrote, he was calling for Lavin’s head in 1998. He misses the
hate mail, so e-mail him at [email protected].
Most people choose to watch sports in the comfort of their own
home, and that’s fine-and-dandy if it’s the lowly
Dodgers versus the pathetic Padres.
For Dodgers-Padres, you can reheat that week-old Jose Bernstein
burrito and drink that flat Coke you left in the fridge last
night.
But what do you do when it’s the Super Bowl? Or better
yet, it’s never too early to prepare for the UCLA-USC
football game (I’d use the XFL “Million Dollar
Game” game as an example, but I’d rather sacrifice
timeliness than credibility).
Seven months from now, if you have tickets to the game, and
don’t mind driving to the Coliseum and endangering your life,
then you have no choice but to attend the game in person.
There’s nothing quite as satisfying as seeing rich people
cry, and with each school year, time is running out for each of us
to attend the game as a student. Don’t underestimate the
redeeming value of saying you were there, although 20 years from
now you could always lie.
So if you’re one of those people who prefer to lie, then
the way I see it you only have two options:
(a) a barbecue
(b) a pub
If you feel it’s OK to watch something like the UCLA-USC
football game on TV, by yourself and without consuming any alcohol,
well, it’s not too late to make better, alcoholic friends who
will slap some sense into you.
Now, I’m not an alcoholic myself (what is it they say in
AA … denial is the first stage?), but some sort of liquor is a
must ““ whether it be beer, tequila, vodka or even wine
coolers for you beginners.
At a barbecue, the most common way to add to the beer supply is
through the BYOB method ““ Bring Your Own Beer. Of course, you
will probably end up frustrated by halftime if others decide to DYB
““ Drink Your Beer.
So before going to the barbecue, you have to determine just how
much alcohol you plan on consuming. If the likelihood of you
getting drunk is fairly high, I suggest you either bring a supply
of hard alcohol to the barbecue, or a pair of 12-packs ““ or
maybe both. Of course, you could just go to the pub.
Nothing quite like a sporting event to bring everyone together.
At the pub, after alcohol has driven away your inhibitions,
it’s easy to find yourself arguing strategy with the total
stranger to your right.
It’s amazing how much smarter you’ll look in front
of your regular friends after reciting word-for-word what your new
best friend at the bar kept telling you during the second half.
After alcohol, the second priority in choosing a locale to watch
the game usually ends up being food. Obviously, when you think of
barbecues, burgers and hot dogs come to mind.
At the pub you’ll probably have a fine selection of side
orders like buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, fries, etc. So
you’re certain not to go hungry, but you’ll have to be
willing to be patient and fork out the cash.
At a barbecue, the problem always entails finding that friend
who doesn’t mind missing most of the game because of the
constant grill-work. Not to mention you have to trust him to be
sober enough to handle fire responsibly.
I think it was about three or four years ago that an ex-roommate
of mine plus one of my best friends thought it would be funny to
squirt the lighter fluid and light it in mid-air while trying to
ignite the grill. Funny how alcohol makes even the stupidest of
ideas seem plausible.
The grill never did ignite, but the lighter fluid did catch on
fire. To this day, you can still see the black marks and small
holes on the reclining chair that was near the screen door.
The burgers still came out fine, and thankfully no one was hurt.
But for safety purposes, you need a designated griller at a
barbecue like you need a designated driver when you go to the
pub.
If you wish to go the pizza route, there is nothing wrong with
that ““ pizza is the lazy man’s barbecue. Nothing
matches beer quite as well as pepperoni pizza.
But remember that you can always eat pizza when you’re
watching “Survivor” or when the World Wrestling
Federation has one of its bi-weekly pay-per-view events.
Something that happens only once a year like the UCLA-USC game
is special, and should be treated differently. Go out of your way
to make it memorable.
Just try and avoid lighting your couch on fire.