Adam Karon Those who would like to apply for
the GM position or who just want to send comments can e-mail Karon
at [email protected].
Dodgers General Manager Kevin Malone stepped down two weeks ago,
sending the hopes of L.A. fans soaring into the night air like a
Darren Dreifort hanging curveball.
Malone’s tenure as a Dodger was as rocky as a Coors Field
backdrop, and featured more busted deals than an episode of Cops:
Life on the Street. He resigned after getting into a confrontation
with a Padres fan who criticized Gary Sheffield, a player Malone
himself had taken shots at in the past.
The former Expos general manager (that should say enough) was
condemned for opposing Davey Johnson, Sheffield, and any deal that
might make the Dodgers a better team.
His departure could be the best thing for the Boys in Blue since
Kirk Gibson ran around the bases doing that weird fist-pumping
thing on my roommate’s birthday.
But I want to try to focus on the positive, like the possibility
of more Dodger wins, since the GM has such a huge impact on the
team’s performance during the regular season. So rather than
dwell on Malone hiring leadoff men past their prime and prone to
strike out (see Otis Nixon, Marquis Grissom, Tom Goodwin and Devon
White), let’s talk about the exciting possible replacements
for the position of Dodgers general manager.
Karl Malone, who happens to be Kevin’s first cousin, once
removed, has been rumored by various sources to be the leading
contender. The Mailman is sure to deliver, and is said to be
deterred by neither rain nor sleet nor snow. How about heavy smog
and traffic on the 405? I’d like to see Karl Malone drive
through that!
The Utah Jazz power forward might have a tenuous relationship
with Angelenos, but he could definitely take that grizzled Padre
fan and his 6-year-old kid to the hole. Besides, it’s about
time they brought back facial hair in baseball, even if it is in
the form of a perpetual five-o’clock shadow.
Moses Malone might want a shot at the job and the opportunity to
lead the Dodgers to the Promised Land. Besides, as the first man to
skip college to go to the NBA, he probably has a similar
educational background as Kevin, who is rumored to have gone to
school in Santa Barbara.
How about giving UCLA gymnast Kristen Maloney a shot?
She’s proven she has poise after competing in the Olympics
and helping the Bruins win the national championship a week ago.
She is soft spoken and would never proclaim herself the “new
sheriff in town” as Kevin did. And, as one of the top
tumblers in the nation, she always bounces back.
Perhaps the owner of Maloney’s On Campus would make a good
GM. He always seems to pack the place and never has to give out
fuzzy foam fingers to draw people to his venue.
Maybe reserve guard Matt Maloney of the Atlanta Hawks would be a
good pick. Never heard of him? Good. Since when was a general
manager supposed to be famous? Part of Kevin’s problem was
that he needed attention, and even went so far as to give himself
the nickname Dodger Boy. This sort of thing could easily be avoided
if Matt would just give up the $500,000 he makes a year keeping
Toni Kucoc’s seat warm.
While we’re on the topic of NBA superstars, why not add
Michael Jordan to the mix, since everyone else seems to be calling
for his return to professional sports. His Airness might have
flopped once on the baseball field, but he sure has been successful
in the world of upper management.
Speaking of success, why not have Bob Barker, the greatest
game-show host of all time, come on down? Malone decided to pay
Dreifort $11 million a year, despite the fact that he has a
lifetime losing record. Barker would notice that the price is not
right, and everybody knows if you bid too high, you lose. Just ask
Armando Del Portillo, the kid on my floor freshman year who missed
a new Mustang by bidding $80 too high.
Perhaps they could bring back Tommy Lasorda. I really miss those
Slim Fast commercials, and Lasorda didn’t do too badly during
his time as general manager in the early ’90s.
Richard Simmons. He might be annoying, but at least he
isn’t Kevin Malone. Besides, who better to get those
out-of-shape ballplayers into jazzeriffic physical condition?
Jim Everett, because the greatest quarterback of all time could
undoubtedly become the greatest GM ever.
How about some Bruin applicants? Chancellor Albert Carnesale
seems to be a pretty nice guy and he definitely knows how to handle
criticism. We all know that Bruin boosters are much tougher to deal
with than grizzled old Dodger fans, if there are even any left from
the glory days of Steve Garvey and Ron Cey.
Most sports writers claim to be able to make better front-office
decisions in almost every sport, so why not give us a chance? So
what if the majority of those sitting behind the keyboards that
bring you sports news never played an inning of high school
ball.
Sports writers clearly know EVERYTHING.
UCLA gymnastics coach Valorie Kondos Field deserves a shot. She
puts together a “dream team” nearly every year, and she
has yet to attack one of the 6-year-old hecklers that watch the
gymnastics meets each weekend.
One idea would be to place an ad in the Daily Bruin Classified
section (you know, the tiny writing with the weird boxes
surrounding the crossword puzzle). I can see the advertisement now:
“Wanted: General manager to make logical decisions and
restore past prestige to one of the greatest baseball traditions.
Must have some prior baseball experience, an interest in public
relations and never held a job in Canada.” We could make the
position a summer internship and anyone with a year of college
would be eligible.
Kevin Malone’s college education would not count.
At this point the Dodgers are open to suggestions. After a
decade of decline, the franchise needs to turn things around and
should be willing to take anyone. Each of you should seriously
consider applying for the job.
The work might be tough, but I’m sure if you do a good job
they’d throw in a couple extra Dodger Dogs and a souvenir
beer cup.