Ben Lee Handler Ben Lee doesn’t think
you’re ready for this jelly. E-mail him at [email protected].
Click Here for more articles by Ben Lee Handler
Every person possessing a Y chromosome is blessed with a tiny
pleasure chest buried directly beneath his bladder, less than a few
inches in front of his rectum.
Unfortunately for most, this booty is all too frequently left
undiscovered and unexploited, leaving the vast majority of the
earth’s male populous to perish without ever experiencing the
wealth of ecstasy that lies in our prostates.
Boys, consider this column your not-so-secret guide to a hidden
treasure, a plunder that will prove forever-pleasing to you and
your partners throughout your sexual future.
Before you have someone else sail your sea of sodomy in search
of the organ, it is best to play Marco Polo with one’s self
for a while in order to feel out a nautical map to help future
spice traders find their ways around.
Probably the best first-expeditioner is a pointer-finger manning
a generous amount of lubrication.
Insert this desired explorer into your rectum, pressing gently
downward as you venture deeper inside. Let your penis play the role
of prostate sonar: when you attain an erection more amazing than
previously ever thought possible, you’ve tapped
Triton’s gold.
Now it’s time to masturbate (with the non-occupied hand,
of course).
The prostate secretes 20 to 30 percent of the total volume of
seminal fluid a man releases during normal ejaculation, but even
more when it is stimulated by say, a massaging finger. So, an
exceptionally long and voluminous orgasm is to be expected.
After a successful maiden voyage, you’ll be hard-pressed
to find anything hard and cylindrical you don’t want to
impress into your personal pleasure fleet. Be wary that the
sphincter can only handle so much ““ albeit a lot. There are
x-rays on the internet of thermoses and handguns people have
managed to fit in there, and forcing unseaworthy recruits into
service can end one’s sailing days for more than a little
while with torn muscles, internal bleeding and infections, among
other nasty disorders ““ not including scurvy.
Train yourself slowly; if you jump straight from your finger to
the big end of a baseball bat, your body is bound to mutiny.
One has to work his way up to kingship before he can maintain a
royal navy. And who ever heard of navy personnel with names like
Thumb, Banana and Dildo?
In order to become the true admiral of your anal organ, you need
some real sailors. For one, in anal sex, command over the object
plunging into you is not issued from your hand; you have to guide
your first mate verbally, tell him how to steer you straight,
whether the destination is on your port or starboard side, how to
raise you from half to full mast, etc.
Communication is always the key to a successful sexual stint,
and it will prevent your mate from forcing you to walk the plank
before you’ve had a chance to get off.
If you’re preferential to heterosexual intercourse, just
communicate a lust you have for your lady to man your
sphincter-ship on any occasion she feels like having you. It will
allow her pointer/index/ring/pinky/thumb finger to sail the same
salty seas yours will have been braving for some time, all while
your super-excited submarine is rising and submerging inside of her
““ it’s guaranteed to add some waves to the
waterbed.
And there is some not-so-new prosthetic technology able to suit
those holding chromosomes reading XX with the equipment necessary
for deep-diving maneuvers. These scuba-suits of sorts may not seem
much different from your dildo, but one experience is enough to
realize the comparison ridiculous ““ a bathtub to the
ocean.
To allow a loved one, or simply a lover, to have at your
prostate ““ even with a fake phallus ““ is as heavenly as
the place that will purportedly rain down with brimstone and fire
on all who set sea on so carnal a desire.
However, sometimes the prostate can be a fairweather friend.
It must be inevitable that the organ that can bring us men so
much godly pleasure in our sexual primes will be the same one to
send so many of us to hell. Prostate cancer is the second leading
cancer killer of men in America, the sixth leading cause of death
for United States males overall.
But that shouldn’t dissuade us from loving them while we
have them.
Us men have an organ the size of a small oyster, and inside that
oyster lies a pearl of amour, a message of love.
Boys, heed this column and dive for your pearls, spread this
message of love and change the tides in the oceans of sexual
tedium. We must seize the day! Take advantage of things while
they’re still working for us! Our time is now!