Doug Lief Doug Lief is a fourth-year
English student who is aware his name sounds like "duh." Pass him a
note at [email protected].
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This summer there was an unusually large number of shark attacks
in Florida, ranging from fatalities to nibblities. Despite repeated
warnings and national publicity, people continued to venture into
shark-infested waters. This begs the question, are we stupid?
Let’s start with Florida. The election debacle is evidence
that at least half of Floridians suffer from some form of mental
defect, but which half remains debatable, at least for people
mentally deficient enough to continue the debate. The shark attacks
are striking proof of across-the-board retarditude.
We like to believe that people are influenced by what they see
on television. Call me crazy, but when Tom Brokaw says, “Holy
crap, there’s a lot of freaking sharks out there,” I
react the same way I do to an announcement of a scorpion
infestation at Disneyland: avoidance. Somehow Floridians got from
“lots of killing machines with teeth” to “Come
on, kids! Let’s get in the car!”
I don’t mean to suggest that Floridians are dumber than
everyone else is. They just have the unfortunate coincidence of
being both stupid and near the beach. The fact remains that Stupid
is a debilitating illness that knows no national or ethnic
boundaries, which must be cured if our society is ever to save
itself.
In researching American folklore, it seems the disease
(Imbecilia Shlemielus) originated somewhere in Poland, and was
contracted by the famous Polish inventor Milos Cszrkswcz, who was
responsible for such modern conveniences as the electric bathtub,
and was known on several occasions to screw in a light bulb.
There are also records of stupidity in the Bible. For example,
the book of Exodus contains the following passage, “And
Pharaoh said unto Moses, “˜Yea, dost thou not ever look at the
underside of thy tongue in a reflection and pretend it is a cobra?
It doth blow the mind, yea’ and Moses did smacketh
him.”
 Illustration by ERICA PINTO/Daily Bruin Some of you may
recall a column I wrote last year explaining potential cures for
Ugly. Stupid is a far more difficult disease to cure because there
is both a congenital form and a contagious form.
Stupid, like Ugly, can be sexually transmitted, not from
partner-to-partner, but from parent-to-offspring. This is far more
likely to happen, since while Ugly can inhibit sexual activity,
Stupid is no such roadblock to sweet, sweet lovin’. Just
think of that girl you like, then think of her boyfriend. Is he
stupid? Yes. Are they getting it on? Hells yeah.
By now you may be wondering, “Doug, how can I tell if
I’m stupid?” Relax, there’s a simple test. Take a
pencil and jam it into your eye, then into your other eye.
I’ll wait while you do it. Dum dum dee doo dee doo, he was a
buffalo soldier, bum be doo be doo. Finished? If you can still read
this column, then you are not stupid.
Just because you were not born stupid, doesn’t mean you
cannot contract it through casual contact with other stupid people.
Again, there is a fairly straightforward method you can use to
prevent the disease from spreading. I call it the Brain Condom.
Take a plastic bag from around the house and place it over your
head, fastening it about the neck with a rubber band. I will
guarantee you that the more people who wear the Brain Condom, the
higher the average IQ will be.
How is Stupid transmitted? Just think back to junior high
school. What was the worst thing to be, socially speaking?
Intelligent. This is due in part to the negative correlation
between intelligence and physical attractiveness. When was the last
time you saw Henry Kissinger in Tiger Beat magazine (Omigod, like,
he totally opened relations with China and he’s a
Libra!)?
What we need is a program of nerd rehabilitation to discourage
kids from contracting Stupid. I believe “She’s All
That” was more than a parable against the dangers of teenage
scheming gone unchecked. It is a philosophical treatise of
Nietzchian scope, postulating that should we as a society reexamine
and refurbish our intelligentsia into a force of coordinated and
cleavage-sprouting U(with two dots over it)bermensch prom queens,
then harmony among men can be achieved.
We can also do more to make nerdy pastimes into hallmarks of
virility. For example, did you know that the ability to quote
“The Simpsons” ad nauseum was recently linked to high
levels of stamina as well as a refined musky but not unpleasant
scent? Furthermore, neither Pol Pot, nor Richard Nixon, nor Susan
Smith was able to recite the entire
“Knights-who-say-“˜Ni'” sketch from
“Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”
Perhaps Emily Dickinson said it best in her lesser known
“Ode to Screech”: What nerds I see do perch,/ Upon my
sad and lonely birch./ They watch as I unhook my girdle./ How sad
to never find one’s Lisa Turtle.
The fact remains that until contracting Stupid is shown to have
undesirable consequences, it will continue to spread. I would like
to keep preaching my idiot abstinence platform, but “Inside
Schwartz” is on. So kids, stay in school, drink your milk,
don’t do drugs, don’t smoke styrofoam, eat some raw
oysters, microwave your feet and try to taste the back of your
neck.
Duh?