Ben Lee Handler Ben Lee doesn’t think
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What God has cleansed, we call not dirty. And so we simply
arise, slay and eat meat. Lots of meat.
The Atkins diet ““ Dr. Robert C. Atkins’ all protein
and fat, but no carbohydrate weight-loss plan ““ has the
United States bringing home the barn for dinner ““ and
supposedly shedding pound after pound as a result.
Slim-fast shakes are being replaced by steak and eggs, Lean
Cuisine by sausage links, Jenny Craig by Jack in the Box. And
everyone is purportedly slimming down.
But it’s a direct attack on the heart. Critics of the
Atkins plan assert that it devours dieters’ arteries and
dooms them to imminent heart disease.
And worst of all, it’s boring! Unless you’re
Jennifer Aniston or Axl Rose ““ both loyal congregants at the
church of Atkins ““ the extent of diners an all-meat dieter
can chow down at with a student’s budget in Westwood is
pretty much restricted to In-N-Out and Burger King ““ not to
insinuate that Axl doesn’t eat his share of Whoppers.
Fear not, my bored and obese brethren of UCLA; there is an
alternative to Atkins’ heartless heart-attacking regimen.
Yes, for a truly beefy and well-rounded weight-loss program, a
diet and exercise plan that rouses the heart, awakens the mind,
frees the body and spirit ““ a routine that you can honestly
feel passionate about ““ I humbly suggest what I like to call
the Handler plan.
The basis of this program is almost identical to Atkins’,
only slightly cannibalistic, and a lot cheaper. In fact, it’s
free!
You eat meat. You eat lots of meat. Eat red meat, dark meat,
white meat, yellow meat ““ whatever meat you can get your
hands on, eat it. Meat is good.
Of course, a big hunk of the job at hand is to actually find the
fresh meat you are going to incorporate into the diet ““ not
always an easy exercise, but exercise nonetheless ““ and
exercise is part of what you’re after, right?
Besides, UCLA is a regular meat market.
The gym is always an excellent place to meet meat, as are the
track and swimming pool. While lifting or running or swimming or
whatever, casually ask a man who looks as if he might have
interests similar to yours ““ losing weight, that is ““
if he would let you eat his meat. It’s sure to surprise you
how many men out there are willing to have their meat eaten, and
after a short period of Handler-planning, your searches will only
become easier and easier, for you will become slimmer and more
confident.
Once you’ve snagged a suitable Handler-plan meal for the
day, it is important to relocate to a private area before dining.
Restrooms and locker rooms may feel appropriate and appear
accommodating, but the police are usually not too friendly to those
who diet in public. Remember George Michael? And who wants to eat
where they go to the bathroom? (I can tell you for a fact God
doesn’t clean the Wooden Center.)
It’s safest and most sanitary to bring your partner home
after you finish burning fat at the gym and before you cook dinner,
for a man’s meat may smell slightly overripe and unsavory
when he is fresh from the market. As with all organic foods, a boy
who has been cleansed is usually safe for consumption ““ and
most boys I see about campus appear to bathe regularly.
Contrary to culinary practices popular among the Atkins crowd,
Handler-plan dishes are best served raw and hard, and best eaten by
sucking down the entire sausage without chewing. Utensils are
unneeded, although hands are helpful when the tongue is tired
““ but the more active the mouth is during consumption, the
tastier and more voluminous dessert will be.
And what a healthy dessert it is!
With only five calories per teaspoon and roughly two teaspoons
per serving, plus a slew of protein, you’ll want to keep
coming back for more ““ as long as your partner can keep
coming.
If you deem yourself worthy of an additional reward for working
out so hard, you can always flip your partner over to roast his
rump, beef is best when flamed on both sides. Or you could run laps
around it with your tongue if you’re up for more
exercise.
To think, Atkins’ dieters aren’t even allowed to eat
dessert!
As with any exercise regimen, it is crucial to vary one’s
workouts, and therefore one’s diet, so as not to imbalance
the body. When meat is left in the kitchen too long, it tends to go
bad (but never too bad ““ “What God hath
cleansed”). This problem is easily overcome in the Handler
plan by never overworking a particular partner, by varying whom you
intake whenever possible.
By allowing dieters to exercise through eating, I’m
convinced my easy-to-swallow weight-loss and fitness program will
serve a healthy portion of competition to Atkins’ plan, and
ultimately render it dog food.
After all, what would you rather eat: a beefsteak or a
beefcake?