Greg Schain Schain really, really,
really, really hates “˜SC, but he loves the word "blitzkrieg."
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Finally, a reason to start paying attention to the floundering
UCLA football team.
A reason to actually care again.
They might not be able to win the national championship, but the
championship of L.A. is still up for grabs.
And I would love for our football team to take home the trophy
and all the pride that comes along with beating the University of
Stupid Crackheads (USC). It would be a great early Christmas
present to see the hated Trojans suffer defeat at the hands of our
squad.
After all, we couldn’t be more different from them.
They’re tea time at four o’clock.
We’re TV time at four o’clock.
They’re a country club crowd.
We’re a dance club crowd.
They cheer for O.J. Simpson.
We cheer for Homer Simpson.
They don the colors of communism on their uniform.
We wear blue and gold, the two most beautiful colors of the
spectrum.
As you can tell, I’m as pumped up for Saturday’s
game as I am for any the team has played all season. I still
remember last year’s game, when David Bell of USC hit that
38-yard field goal with nine seconds left to break a 35-35 tie.
And I’m still bitter about it. UCLA needs to avenge last
year’s loss, and all the other 27 losses that the Bruins have
suffered at the hands of the Red Army. We’ve beaten them 36
times, but that’s not enough. Let’s make it 37.
I’m hopeful that we will.
But I’m not optimistic.
UCLA football has crashed harder than the stock market. DeShaun
Foster is missing and without him, the Bruin offense drives stall
out faster than my 1980 Hyundai.
And the defense, after being hailed as one of the best in the
nation after the team’s 6-0 start, has been less than superb
in the past few weeks. Stanford exposed more holes in the defense
than in Afghanistan’s terrain.
On the other hand, USC’s season has gone in an opposite
direction. After starting the season 1-4, they’ve won four of
their last five and looked impressive in their 55-14 blitzkrieg of
Cal last week.
Their defense has allowed only 27 points in their last two
games. Not bad for a unit that was slammed by the media at the
beginning of the season.
The Bruins need to stop USC’s hot streak, not just for the
purpose of the rivalry, but also to salvage what’s left of a
broken season. Or else we might end up seeing the Bruins in the
Galleryfurniture.com Bowl and have to face all the embarrassment
that comes with it.
And they must accomplish this task in enemy territory.
It won’t be an easy task, but if we all contribute a
little bit, maybe we can pull it off. I have devised a four-step
plan to help all you Bruins figure out how to contribute.
1) Show up at the game wearing everything blue and gold.
2) Whenever you see a Trojan fan, mock him or her as if they are
Osama bin Laden. Use such lines as “Red makes you look
fat.”
3) Bring blowhorns to the game to help drown out the annoying
cheers of USC students. Whenever ‘SC is about to kick a field
goal, use them to try to distract the kicker.
4) If the above plan fails and UCLA is losing in the final
minutes, rush the field in a desperate attempt to scare away the
Trojan football team.
Knowing USC players, they’ll probably run for their
mommies while crying like newborn babies.
Actually, I shouldn’t insult newborn babies like that.
Anyway, you get the idea. We must pull out all the stops to make
sure UCLA gets a much-needed win. A lot is on the line this
Saturday. If the UCLA football team wants any respect, and wants to
remain ranked, then it must find a way to win.
And to win, the team must play better than it has the past three
weeks.
Or else, the commies will raise their flag in victory.