Greg Schain This writer begins looking
into his crystal ball for 2003. Schain thinks they should abolish
the penny. E-mail him at [email protected] Click
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Sports can be very predictable sometimes. All of the top sports
stories of 2002 can be predetermined, if you give it a little
thought.
Actually, it is too early in the quarter for all of you to start
thinking again. So, I have done it for you. I have looked into my
crystal ball and picked out the top sports stories of every
month.
Without further ado, here they are:
January
The NCAA hands Duke the championship and gives the Wooden Award
to Jason Williams, claiming the rest of the season is pointless.
The media agrees with the decision, but the NCAA is forced to
retract after Dick Vitale claims his life is empty without seeing
Duke beating up everyone.
After scoring 23 points against Orlando, Shaq nicknames himself
“The Yellow Submarine.” No one is quite sure why.
February
The district attorney of Salt Lake City announces that he is
seeking the death penalty for a member of the U.S. Olympic Luge
Team after the team member is caught drinking a beer inside the
Olympic Village.
Michelle Kwan cries after falling seven times during her
program. Judges still give her the gold medal in hopes of silencing
her.
March
Phil Jackson gets mad that Duke is getting more publicity than
the Lakers, so instead of playing all those lousy Eastern
Conference teams, he challenges Duke. Duke accepts, and swiftly
beats the Lakers 101-84 behind Mike Dunleavy’s 53 points.
Shaq blames the loss on Kobe, and then retires to pursue a
career as a rap artist. He nicknames himself “The Talking
Mouth.”
April
Steve Lavin declares the season to be “One where we took a
lot of important steps,” even though UCLA got knocked out in
the first round of the NCAA Tournament by San Diego State.
Shaq returns to the Lakers after only 14 people show up for his
first concert at the Staples Center. He nicknames himself
“The Golden Retriever” after showing up to his first
game back wearing gold jewelry from head to toe.
May
Kevin Brown is placed on the 60-day DL after suffering a torn
rotator cuff. He immediately gets on the Dodgers’ private
plane to go visit his family.
Richard Williams claims that the WTA Tour is racist and that
they secretly plotted to have Venus and Serena Williams not win the
French Open.
June
Shaq nicknames himself “Osama Bin Shaq” for
terrorizing Keith Van Horn under the boards during the NBA Finals.
After taking a lot of heat from the media for that comment, he
retracts the statement and renames himself “The Big
Banana.” When asked to explain the name, Shaq says it’s
“‘Cause I peel the life out of the Nets.”
Chick Hearn calls Shaq “The funniest person since Charlie
Chaplin” and says he would make a great comedian. It is then
disclosed that Hearn is really 103 years old.
July
After getting drafted by the Memphis Grizzlies, Jason Kapono
begs UCLA to take him back.
Leon Lett gets suspended from the NFL after failing a random
drug test. With the suspension, it finally feels like football
season is right around the corner.
August
President Bush resigns from office to become the clean-up hitter
for the Angels. In his first game, he hits the team’s first
home run of the season, leading them to their first victory.
The team goes on Leno so he can make fun of them.
Shaq nicknames himself “Jon Bon Shaq” and says he
wants to become the lead guitarist for Bon Jovi after he retires
from basketball.
September
The Baltimore Ravens go the entire month without scoring a
point. Brian Billick still declares himself “God’s gift
to football” and says, “We don’t need to score.
We have Ray Lewis.”
President Bush hits his 74th home run on Labor Day, breaking
Barry Bonds’ record. After touching home plate, he says,
“Look Dad! Aren’t you proud of me now?”
Shaq nicknames himself “Sergeant Big Dog” and says
he wants to become a general in the army after he retires.
October
Riots break out in New York City after the Mets lose Game 7 of
the NLCS, 46-37. People scream for Steve Phillips’ head for
forgetting that you need pitchers to win games.
In a separate but related story, Mo Vaughn accuses the Mets of
sending spies to his house and says he really wants to play on the
West Coast again.
After the Mets offer him a 2-year, $30 million contract
extension, Vaughn tells the media how much he loves the Mets
organization and wants to retire there.
November
Kurt Warner throws for 1,000 yards in a game and the Rams score
120 points against Carolina. When asked how he did it, Warner says
he had an extra bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Soup before
the game.
Shaq nicknames himself “Santa Shaq” to try to get
himself into the holiday spirit.
December
Vince McMahon, jealous that he doesn’t own a sports
league, announces plans to start the XBA. He says there will be no
fouls called and players will be encouraged to punch each other in
the face during transitions.
Mark Cuban tries to buy a franchise.
Shaq, after bragging that he’s slept with 1,000 women this
year, nicknames himself “The Big Engine That
Could.”