Doug Lief Lief is a fourth-year English
student who only eats non-swallowable snack foods. Munch on him at
[email protected].
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January 13 (or 1-1-3 as the media has taken to calling it) is a
date which will live in infamy. Members of a known or unknown
terrorist group perpetrated an attempt on the President’s
life while watching the Dolphins/Ravens game (or D-R-G as the media
has taken to calling it), as George W. Bush nearly choked to death,
attacked by a pretzel attempting to lodge itself in his
trachea.
Although the United States has prepared itself against airplane
hijacking and is on alert for anthrax or other biological agents,
this daring assault by edible dissidents caught our defenses
completely off-guard. It is up to the American populace to
familiarize themselves with the risk factors, but also to continue
maintaining their traditional artery-clogging lifestyles.
Pundits had long theorized President Bush was bound to choke
sooner or later, but none of them expected to be taken literally.
The pretzel itself, one Yusef Ali-Muhammed-Jabez-El-Qatami-Najid,
was shot by secret service agents in the struggle that occurred
following the incident. More disturbing was that the pretzel was
discovered to actually be an American white bread by the name of
Joshua Tucker of Madison, Wis.
Tucker’s parents, Nathan and Betty Tucker, told reporters
that, “Our son’s involvement with malicious and
delicious pretzel factions was the result of the media’s love
affair with the salted bread knot. We were just a happy Wonderbread
family until Josh’s conversion.”
According to the Los Angeles Times, Air Force Colonel Dr.
Richard Tubb believes there is no “reason that this would
happen again.”
Personally, I don’t think Americans have any reason to
feel safer. First of all, we need to find out how they managed to
get to the President. Just exactly how did a pretzel make it into
the West Wing without security measures and background checks
catching it first?
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld issued a statement saying,
“We have already begun to hunt down those responsible. This
morning, at approximately 2:30, 11 Bavarians were rounded up and
taken into custody aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise and are currently
being taken to Guantanamo Bay for questioning, followed by
electrodes and hushed-up killings. Wait, scratch that last
part.”
The Federal Aviation Association (or the F-A-A as the media has
taken to calling it) has immediately instituted requirements that
all airline peanuts, pretzels and other snackables be individually
coated in Vaseline, so as to reduce the danger of choking. In
addition, the two nubs at the bottom of the pretzel ““ the
technical term for which is “fornubes” ““ will be
sanded down prior to packaging.
Pretzel Council President Heinrich Rold-Gold said, “The
pretzel producing nations are not at war with the United States.
Before jumping to any conclusions, we must look at the facts.
Bavaria is not harboring terrorists. However, were the United
States to embark on prejudiced military action, we would call upon
all pretzel lovers to begin a pretzel jihad.”
Are America’s protocols sufficient to deal with another
terrorist pretzeling? There is a rumor circulating that Dick Cheney
is dead, as no one has seen him in several months. The rumor is
supported by two things: 1) on the cover of Dick Cheney’s
“America Loves Dick” album, Cheney isn’t wearing
any shoes and 2) playing the song “I Look Like a
Walrus” backwards sounds like, “Dick is dead, no
seriously, he’s really dead, this isn’t a
prank.”
Perhaps the saddest product of the assassination attempt has
been the backlash of intolerance by Americans themselves. Several
pretzel factories were vandalized, spray painted with offensive
graffiti such as, “Go home knotties!”
Jeff Hamilton, a pretzel from Marina Del Rey said,
“I’m just worried about what happens when I drop my
kids off at school and I can’t be there to protect them from
being beaten up or possibly eaten.”
In a similar incident, Ying Li, a seven-year-old contortionist
with Cirque Du Soleil was beaten to death outside of her perch
earlier this week.
But just what do the pretzels have next on their agenda? Sources
at the Pentagon fear that America may be in for one of the most
high-risk Super Bowls in the history of the game. Consumption of
pretzels, chips (potato and tortilla), popcorn and other snack
treats increases ten-fold immediately before the game, continuing
for several hours thereafter.
To avoid danger, the FDA recommends not only reading the
ingredients on the sides of snack packages, but also encourages
eating green vegetables, which are known to contain very small
levels of pretzels.
Do not, however, jump to any conclusions regarding your pretzel
neighbors, who are likely just as American as you are. Be they
salty, ruffled, twisty or honey-roasted, our snack foods are as
integral to the fabric of our society as the Chinese who built the
railroads, the African Americans who gave us jazz and/or the
Indians who so willingly gave us the land that we love.
But that is no reason not to be paranoid; in fact, I can’t
think of any reason not to be paranoid in general. If they can get
to the President, they can get to you, your pets and your loved
ones. No one is safe, I tell you! They’re already here!