JARRETT QUON/Daily Bruin Senior Staff
 Thomas Soteros-Mcnamara Send your pity
comments to [email protected]
For those of you abstaining from today’s USAC election,
consider this: It is totally understandable to find any information
boring if it is presented in a dull format. Therefore, I present to
you what the election today would sound like if the producers of
“Iron Chef” took over.
“Tell me what ethnicity you are and I will tell you whom
you vote for.”
Announcer Kenji Fukui: Over a decade ago, many students’
vision created the Third World Coalition. The motivation for them
was to create a diverse and unified voice for minorities in student
government. To realize this dream, the coalition would assemble a
group of candidates every year and call them the Iron USAC. Iron
USAC Latino is Mike de la Rocha, Iron USAC African-American is
Karren Lane, and Iron USAC Asian-American is Bryant Tan. Standard
paper balloting is the method that both the Iron USAC and
challengers have to use for victory. Both have one week to rustle
up as much support as they possibly can. And if ever a challenger
defeats the Iron USAC, he or she will be called the “epitome
of white privilege” until they graduate. Clearly, reputations
are at stake for both, and each will have to use all their
resources, energy and creativity to create new and interesting
campaigns for the vote. What inspiration will this year’s
challengers bring? Whose slate will rule supreme? The heat will be
on!
Chairman Kaga: If my memory serves me correctly (and I think it
does), the last challenger to defeat my Iron USAC was Liz Houston.
She embarrassed one of the old Iron USAC Katanja McCory so badly
that McCory declared that battle her last. Of Liz Houston’s
political associates, all but one is about to graduate. This last
of her allies, David Dahle, is today’s challenger. Unlike all
those before him, Dahle has an attribute that previous challengers
lacked: race. Dahle was a member of the Vietnamese Student Union
for three years, until finally he recognized that they would never
respect his opinion, and he renounced his association with them.
And the man that is indirectly responsible for that outcome is the
new Iron USAC Asian-American, Bryant Tan.
“Now Dahle, are you prepared for where the road may take
you?”
(Break)
“Bring out the challenger!”
(Music)
“I call upon the Iron USAC!”
(Candidates appear)
“Mr. Dahle, Who would you like to face today?”
Candidate David Dahle: “Tan, please!”
Fukui: Ah yes, Bryant Tan, a graduate of the prestigious Lowell
High School in San Francisco, a man so committed to diversity that
he criticized the reading list there and immediately made an impact
at UCLA. Tan has served in the Office of Residential Life, as well
as the Affirmative Action Coalition; he knows where to go and what
to do. Tan is not afraid of controversy and he desperately wants to
prove that he has not seen his best days behind him.
Kaga: We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in
uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach
ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves
us. Coalitions are formed and coalitions are broken, and so each
candidate must incorporate something into their campaigns! We
unveil this mandatory ingredient! Today’s ingredient is: the
silent majority!
If my memory serves me correctly, a friend once told me of
politics: “The silent majority distrusts people who believe
in causes.” Asian Americans continue to be targeted as a
group of individuals in campus politics who remain unrepresented
with low turnout. A few active students at UCLA such as Dahle and
Tan exist, but the vote is largely dependent on this “silent
majority” of non-aligned Asian Americans. Since both are of
Asian descent, the challenge will be to see if my friend is right,
if either candidate can win them over. There is good reason to
think that apathy will be the only winner today, but I am not
convinced. However, if either man cannot use this ingredient with
the peak of his faculties, they have no future in this
profession.
(Gong of Fate sounds.)