This board found President George W. Bush’s State of the Union Address mind-numbing and poorly written. The following transcript is what we would have liked to have heard in his speech:
My fellow Americans. (Applause.)
I am here today to apologize to America for my behavior over the past several years. I have been so wrong about so many issues, and I would like to turn over a new leaf this year by officially changing my party affiliation to Democrat and adopting the following policies. (Standing ovation from Democrats.)
We have lost in Iraq. For some reason I never thought it would get this bad, last so long, or degenerate into a civil war. But it did, and I should have listened to all of the analysts five years ago that were telling me what would happen. (Applause.)
I would like to propose a plan to withdraw our troops as quickly and in as orderly a fashion as possible, and I would like to retract my threats of using nuculur weapons in the Middle East. (Pan to a confused Congress.)
Excuse me, I meant to say “nuclear.” Have I really been getting that wrong for the past six years? (Chuckling.)
In addition to drastically changing our direction in Iraq I would also like to recognize the true reason we went there in the first place.
I can’t really explain why we committed billions of dollars and thousands of American lives to fight a war without a real reason. But we did.
I will also no longer be using the events of Sept. 11 as an excuse to execute bad policy and run up the national debt. A tragedy on that level should never be used for political gain, and I am sorry I have been using it as a excuse to funnel money into special interests. (Standing ovation.)
Speaking of special interests, I will no longer be investing in or taking money from oil companies. And on a totally separate topic, I am now officially recognizing that global warming and climate change actually exist. (Applause from Democrats.)
Also, our nation is in a health-care crisis. Not only are we one of the last Western countries to not adopt universal health care, but I have come to realize all Americans should have access to it, and I recognize a private system is not necessarily the best way to go. (Applause from Democrats.)
I am proposing a plan that will raise taxes to fund a national health-care system, which should be enacted within the next 48 hours. (Applause.)
I also recognize our schools are failing our children, and the No Child Left Behind Act has been grossly unsuccessful as well as underfunded. I am asking Congress not to approve it again, and I will be coming up with another comprehensive plan to more effectively reform public education. (Applause.)
I do not yet have the details of the plan, but it will involve vastly increased funding for primary and secondary education as well as expanded low-interest student loan and grant programs. (Applause.)
I spend a lot of time hating on our nation’s gay community, but in the last five minutes I realized I actually have no problem with homosexuality and fully support an amendment to the Constitution stating that a marriage is between two consenting adults. (Standing ovation.)
This is usually the time in my speech where I introduce a bunch of totally random people to gain unwarranted support from my opposition. Since I have spent so long discussing real issues, I actually do not have time to waste the nation’s energy with irrelevant crap. (Applause.)
God bless America. (Standing ovation.)