Wednesday, November 6, 1996
L.A.:
From "Singled Out" to Venice merchants, city has a lot to offer
visitors And so I shall briefly descend from my vaunted soapbox,
and pass my mighty pen to two esteemed colleagues, members of two
of America’s finer institutions of higher learning, the
Universities of California and Michigan.
From faraway lands they came, like explorers from the olden
days. Armed with a notebook and a sense of humor, my privileged
comrades shall detail their wild journey through the mean streets
and haughty highlands of Los Angeles. I trust that you, my fellow
Bruins, shall find their keen wit and social commentary most
enjoyable:
Vaunted? Haughty? We don’t know what the hell Sir Joshua thinks
he’s doing with this article, but who are we to complain,
right?
We’re here on this fine warm day to tell you, you who live here
anyway, how to blow three days in El Lay, because hey, we KNOW.
Start with "Singled Out," MTV’s hottest show. Tix are free, and so
are the perks that come along with them: free T-shirts, condoms,
being constantly touched by a former Playmate of the Year and free
McDonald’s. Those buns … those Whoppers … Incidentally, during
the taping we were on, Josh got his ass royally kicked by Jenny
McCarthy, in all of her mammary magnificence. Go Bruins.
Venice Beach is pretty wack. They sell Compton hats there, so we
bought some to use as uniforms on the B-Ball courts made famous in
"White Men Can’t Jump." We won $500 off of Jonah, from "Days of Our
Lives." He was a total chump, and gots no skills. If you’re not a
baller, we suggest the street performance scene  who would
have guessed that break dancing in Speedos could pull in an excess
of 50 bucks? That almost covered the cost of our dignity.
If you’re not an active person, hang out and gawk at the
brainiacs of Muscle Beach or those morons break dancing over there
in Speedos.
If parking is a problem while visiting these lovely areas we got
that covered, too. A lot of parking meters in Westwood have bags
over them, making the meter space free. They’re not really
connected to the parking meter that well, and you can fit about 35
bags in a backpack. Have one with you at all times, and parking
will never be sweeter.
At this point in our visit, we ditched Josh "Magellan" White,
because we discovered after a quick visit to Tijuana that he has no
sense of direction and can’t navigate his way from the 405 to UCLA.
You people should be ashamed to have someone like that writing for
your school paper.
Complaints can be filed with the Viewpoint editors at the Daily
Bruin.
Oooooohhhhh. Rodeo Drive. What can we say about this place? If
we had auctioned off both of our families for slave labor, maybe we
could have bought clothes nice enough to get into Tiffany’s.
Probably not, but who cares, because man, you should have seen the
women we followed around all day. A lot of stores have hidden roof
access that you can use when no one’s looking. Prime
people-watching areas. The best method was usually to watch the
silver spoons walk by until you see one you’d love to follow; wait
for them to go into a store, and then run into the store and ask if
that watch in the window would match the Armani suit you have. It’s
at home. Man, will they be impressed. Go home happy that day.
But not before you’ve been to Planet Hollywood. We know what
you’re thinking … Planet Hollywood, big deal. That’s what we
would have thought also, until we met the guy in the bathroom who
washes hands for you. It’s great, but don’t use the rest room
before your meal because then you won’t be able to afford to go
again afterwards.
OK, we’re done with Beverly Hills, because boys and girls, we’re
goin’ to Hollywood! Which really isn’t that special, save for the
special sunglasses boutique in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater. You
might not know what we’re talking about and that’s because he’s
only there when police aren’t around. He specializes in Oakley
sunglasses because "… his brother works there." Which would, of
course, give his brother the right to let his ‘lil bro sell them
for 75 percent off out of the garbage bag in downtown Hollywood. We
wanted to know if anyone in his family was in the automobile
industry. Regardless, our stolen Oaks were $25 for $85 sunglasses
… word.
On your way home, park in the driveway of the Playboy Mansion,
if for no other reason than to say you did. It’s on 10236 Charing
Cross Rd., a crossroad of Sunset Boulevard. Pretty big and
secretive. Say "hi" to Heff when you’re there, too.
If you still have extra time, convince your friend to let you
write an article for his school paper, with which you have
absolutely no affiliation. It’s a lot of fun at first, gets
progressively more boring, and soon you just completely lose
interest in finishing.
Thank you, my good friends, for that interesting perspective on
our funny little school in L.A. But now, there are some serious
matters that must be discussed, namely the elections.
Unfortunately, the deadline for this column was well before
election day, so I could not devote an entire article to an
analysis of its results. However, my powers of prognostication lead
me to the following conclusions: One, our great nation is doomed to
four more years of Slick Willie. Two, Proposition 209 passed. While
I tremble at the prospect of four more years of presidential slime
& crime, some of my agony is alleviated by the fact that
Proposition 209 is now the law of the land.
By the way, to my dear friends from USAC: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha!!!!!!! Doo-doo on Du!!!! You are an embarrassment to this
institution of higher learning. All of those hours of hard work and
dedication to the fight of Proposition 209 wasted!!!!! May you and
Dork Chang lead long prosperous lives as crossing guards on the
corner of Wilshire and Westwood.
Josh White