Wednesday, April 29, 1998
Sports hierarchy exploits finest, most purebred athletic
talent
COLUMN: Daily Bruin gets exclusive interview with racer Indian
Charlie
It’s sports journalism’s dirty little secret: the bias toward
certain sports at the expense of others.
Anyone with eyes in his head can see it: football players
splashed across magazine covers, basketball highlights on Sports
Center, interviews with hockey stars. What about the other guys?
Don’t they deserve a little press, too?
Some of the finest athletes in the world have been ignored for
too long – silenced by an oppressive sports hierarchy which is more
than happy to use them for their talents, but refuses to hear their
words.
No more. With the help of one Dr. Doolittle, medical
practitioner and moral crusader, the Daily Bruin proudly presents
the first ever interview with a thoroughbred race horse.
Daily Bruin: Thank you for taking time out of your busy training
schedule to talk with us.
Indian Charlie: My pleasure.
Daily Bruin: Horse racing is perhaps the world’s oldest sport,
dating back thousands of years, and yet this is the first time a
thoroughbred has ever been interviewed. How do you feel about
that?
Indian Charlie: I’m really glad you brought that up, Rob,
because it really pisses me off, pardon my French. Race horses are
the ones that should get the attention, the headlines, the
endorsements, because we’re the only true athletes. Everybody knows
that.
Those other guys claim to be world class athletes – don’t make
me laugh. Rrhrrhrrhrr! Let’s strap Nick Van Exel to Shaq’s back and
see how many dunks the Daddy throws down.
Those guys aren’t athletes. They play games; little boys’
games.
And I just love it when people try to say guys in other sports
are tough: hockey players, football players, boxers. But when
something happens everybody starts cryin’. Like the uproar over
Mike Tyson bitin’ Holyfield’s ear. Man, that stuff happens all the
time in horse racing. Holyfield just needs to learn how to deal
with it like a man.
I remember one time last May, when Mother’s Little Helper bit me
in the ass comin’ around the home stretch. Sure, it surprised the
hell out’a me, but did I start whining? Of course not: I just
kicked him in the nose and kept right on running. No big deal. He
and I laugh about it today. Rrhrrhrrrr!
Daily Bruin: So, you feel that race horses should be getting all
the television commercials and billboards?
Indian Charlie: Hell yeah. Man, Michael Johnson runs 200 meters
in 19-something seconds and everybody goes crazy, callin’ him the
fastest in the world, and they put him on the front of a Wheaties
box. Pprppprpp! I can cover 200 meters in less than 12 seconds:
Where’s my Wheaties box? Hey, I’m a natural fit: Who eats more
whole grains than a horse?
I’m the favorite in the Kentucky Derby this weekend, the oldest
sporting event in America, for cryin’ out loud, but do you think I
have a shoe contract? Neeigghhh! No.
I ask you, who’s a better shoe spokesman: some two-legged
basketball player or a guy who wears four shoes at a time? I even
offered to stick my tongue out at the finish line, but Nike wasn’t
interested.
I’ll tell you what, though: The ladies know who the real studs
are. Yeah, Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 claim was impressive and all,
but come on – he’s not even in our ball park.
First off (paws ground once), we’re all hung like horses. That’s
a gimme right there. And secondly (paws twice), you know what they
say: "Once you go chestnut, you never go … uh … you never …"
well, I can’t think of anything that rhymes with chestnut, but you
know what I mean.
Think about it this way, when a football or basketball player
retires, his access to nookie pretty much dries up. But when a race
horse retires, gettin’ some actually becomes his job. You just
can’t beat that. Neeigghhh!
Daily Bruin: You sound bitter.
Indian Charlie: Aw, I’m just horsin’ around a little bit: I like
those other sports as much as the next Tom, Dick or
Secretariat.
Daily Bruin: Do you have any favorites?
Indian Charlie: Well, I like boxing, but my favorite fighter’s
actually fictional: Rocky Balboa, the Italian Stallion. For some
reason, I just love that guy. Lou Gehrig, too.
Daily Bruin: The Iron Horse?
Indian Charlie: Yeah. I’m also a big Colts fan, and I was really
pulling for the Broncos in the Super Bowl. That Terrell Davis, what
a workhorse.
Daily Bruin: On a more serious note, there were rumors earlier
this year that you have a substance abuse problem?
Indian Charlie: (Angrily pawing the ground) That’s a complete
lie! I am not now, nor have I ever been, addicted to sugar
cubes.
Daily Bruin: But witnesses at the Santa Anita Derby this month
reported that you appeared "hopped up on something. He was sweating
profusely and kept speaking gibberish, making strange noises that
didn’t make any sense. He urinated in public and ran around in
circles." That behavior doesn’t seem a bit odd to you?
Indian Charlie: I’m a horse, for cryin’ out loud. That’s what we
do.
I won at Santa Anita, just as I have in every other race: could
a sugar junkie do that? Of course not. And I’m gonna win this
weekend at Churchill Downs. Then we’ll see who’s the sweet
tooth.
Daily Bruin: I guess you could say that the people who said
those things are just a bunch of horses asses, huh?
Indian Charlie: I don’t think that’s very funny.
Daily Bruin: Uh, … sorry.
Kariakin is insane.